her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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