I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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