We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
