why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
