I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
