Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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