He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
