He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
