$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
