I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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