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Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
