I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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