even my farts smell like vagina
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Randomize
