Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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