margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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