i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
