So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
