y did u give ur computer a hand job?
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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