i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
