i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
