You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
