yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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