I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
