I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
