her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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