Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
