Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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