nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
