The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
