She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
