textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
