Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
