I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
