I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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