Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Randomize
