Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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