sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
