I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm just crazy horny about you
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
