no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
