I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
