Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
