I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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