mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
