forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Ladies don't puke and tell
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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