those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
