you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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