when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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