I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
