The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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