At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
